I couldn’t stop scrolling through the scandalous secret messages on the screen of my husband’s phone. The red flags of his unfaithfulness were there, but I still didn’t want to believe it was true. I wiped away a teardrop that spilled on the screen as I fell further into his lair of lies and lust. The moon peeking through the curtains and the dim light from the cell phone were the only glimmer of light in that dark place. I knew I should stop reading those messages, but like a moth to a flame, I was captivated. The intimate imagery paraded itself in full color between my raging thoughts and answerless questions.
- How could he?
- Why would he?
- Who is she?
My breathing accelerated with every scroll of my finger until I felt like I would explode. Then, just as quietly as I snuck the phone from his side of the bed, I returned it. The toilet flushed, and my husband returned to the dark of our bedroom, having no idea the fury that awaited him in the stillness.
Mostly everyone knows someone who has been unfaithful to his/her partner. And Christian couples aren’t inoculated. Statistics vary; some report infidelity rates in marriage to be above 50 percent , while others measure the number at a mere 21 percent. I tend to believe the actual number is closer to the 50 percent mark, based on the many couples I have coached through the traumatic territory of infidelity.
As I assessed my heartbreak that fateful night after learning about one of my husband’s affairs, I, like most other spouses who’ve been wounded, wondered why. We rack our brains trying to recover the missed warning signs. We become suspicious of everything. We second-guess ourselves and all of our abilities. It’s a pitiful place to be.
But you do not have to be caught off guard by your spouse’s unfaithfulness. Here are four warning signs and red flags that your spouse may be having an affair:
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1. Your Spouse Has a Sudden Interest in Their Appearance
“She’s cheating on her husband,” my husband said matter-of-factly. I rolled my eyes. The woman in question was a sweet lady with several children. She would never. So imagine my surprise when she abruptly moved out and word got out that she, indeed, was having an affair. I asked my husband how he knew and he simply said, “She cut her hair short. That’s the telltale sign.” Another eye roll from me. That logic doesn’t quite hold, but he does have a point.
One of the red flags of unfaithfulness can be when a spouse has a newfound interest in how they look. They parade in front of the mirror several times a day. They buy new clothes. They change their hair or suddenly become perfume or cologne-obsessed. Of course, there is nothing wrong with these things in and of themselves, but it may be a concern, especially when combined with some of the other warning signs of an affair.
2. Your Spouse’s Sexual Desires Change
This warning sign is more obvious than others. Many people become concerned when their spouse’s sexual desires decline. Perhaps you used to be sexually intimate several times a week but now it’s dwindled to once per month. Your spouse is always “sick” when it’s time to be intimate or he/she is just “too busy” or “too tired.” In other words, there is no real initiation or interest coming from the spouse in question. That is a reason to be concerned.
However, there are times when a spouse is having an affair that his/her sexual desire increases. Oftentimes, the spouse in question may want to try random sexual positions or he/she will develop new fetishes or fantasies. He/she seems to “check out” when having sex. These are all signs that someone else might be involved.
Listen to “10 Warning Signs (Including Digital Signs) to Look for in a Cheating Spouse”
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3. Your Spouse Leaves Physical Evidence
Scripture encourages us to live lives “above reproach” (I Timothy 5:7). Our actions should not incriminate us or cause others (including our spouses) to question our integrity or reputation. While I do not recommend snooping around for proof of an affair, I do believe that wisdom and discernment are essential if and when a spouse suspects infidelity in his/her marriage. Another warning sign of an affair is physical evidence. This may seem obvious, but some spouses overlook this telltale sign. Physical evidence can range from a wife finding lipstick that doesn’t belong to her, a husband smelling cologne on his wife’s clothes, sexual enhancement pills, sex toys not used in the marriage, and so on.
Affairs usually leave clues. Some physical evidence might take some digging to find. For example, credit card statements can often leave a paper trail of infidelity. In the digital age in which we live, it is becoming easier to hide an affair. However, cheating spouses are often sloppy spouses and leave digital evidence in plain view.
4. Your Spouse Has Inappropriate Emotions
Chances are if your spouse is being unfaithful, you have noticed a difference in how he/she treats you. You may sense some distance in your marriage, have noticed one of the aforementioned warning signs of an affair, or someone else has questioned your spouse’s loyalties. If you confront your spouse about an affair, and he or she becomes angry or apathetic, you may want to dig deeper. Anger is usually a cover emotion. It covers other emotions like embarrassment, guilt, fear, etc. When a spouse is trying to cover up an affair, he/she will often become belligerent when questioned.
On the flip side, your spouse may show no emotion when questioned about a potential affair. Usually, these spouses have already shown signs of apathy in the marriage. They’ve “checked out” emotionally. It’s no big deal to them when you approach them with your suspicions. They may calmly deny your accusations and quickly move to change the subject. They may even leave the room.
Is Your Marriage at Risk for an Affair? Take the Free Quiz Here
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What to Do If Your Spouse is Cheating
There are many more signs of an unfaithful spouse, and the more signs a spouse shows, the higher the chance he/she is having an affair. If you have suspicions your spouse may be involved in an affair, it is wise to first pray for wisdom on how to proceed. You don’t want to accuse an innocent spouse. The Bible encourages us to “watch and pray” (Matthew 26:41). This Scripture can be used in many contexts and can be valuable to this conversation.
If there is a sense of unrest after you pray and you feel compelled to confront your spouse, be sure you have a plan if your spouse admits to the affair. What will you do? Where will you go? Who will you tell? Too many spouses are caught off guard when their suspicions are confirmed and they find themselves acting out of character or worse.
Infidelity is a devasting blow to a marriage, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the marriage. These warning signs are not a “Gotcha” moment but an opportunity to shed light on sinful behavior, expose it to the truth, and potentially find healing through God’s word, repentance, forgiveness, and a loving, supportive Christian community.
If your marriage has felt the sting of infidelity and you want to restore it, learn more about my Infidelity Intensive course here.
Originally published Monday, 20 May 2024.